Free · about five minutes

Which part learned to love this way?

Attachment style is the entry point. Parts work is the depth. Start here.

Before we start

Your next step: a free guided workbook

Explore your relationship patterns with the quiz, then use the Attachment Theory Guided Workbook to reflect at your own pace. Choose the workbook with five daily emails, or just the workbook with occasional coaching emails from Alexis. Your quiz result appears on screen; it is not emailed or sent to Flodesk.

Your workbook comes with five daily emails from me—reflections and simple practices to help you use it.

Confirm your email to join the mailing list. Unsubscribe any time. This quiz is for reflection, not diagnosis. It cannot establish when or why a pattern developed.

Attachment × developmental stage

Each row is a developmental stage — and a part still active in your adult system. Each column is an attachment style. The cell where your style and your earliest encoding intersect is where the work begins.

Secure
Anxious-preoccupied
Dismissive-avoidant
Fearful-avoidant
Pre-verbalBefore words. Pure nervous system.
The settled bodyDistress met with presence and return to calm. Reached out, was soothed, learned to regulate and recover.
The bracing oneSometimes met, sometimes not — unpredictability encoded. Amplified signals, cried louder, stayed hypervigilant.
The shut-down bodyDistress met with distance, silence, or absence. Stopped signaling. Went still. Learned to self-soothe alone.
The frozen oneThe source of comfort was also the source of threat. Freeze. Collapse. Dissociate. No safe move exists.
ChildLanguage online. Meaning-making begins.
The trusting childSeen, welcome to need, allowed to be difficult. Asked, expressed, received repair when ruptures happened.
The good child who earns love"I have to earn this. If I'm good enough, they'll stay." Performed, managed moods, stayed perfectly calibrated.
The self-sufficient child"Being capable is what keeps me safe. Needing is weakness." Became competent, self-reliant, stopped bringing vulnerability.
The contradicted child"Love hurts. But I can't survive without it either." Swung between reaching out and shutting down.
TeenagerIdentity + autonomy. The strategy sharpens.
The grounded teenagerTension between belonging and becoming — held by secure base. Experimented with identity, returned to connection.
The orbiting teenager"If I lose myself in this, at least I won't be alone." Pursued, orbited others, traded selfhood for belonging.
The self-made teenager"I don't need anyone. This is actually a superpower." Built independence as identity, dismissed emotional needs.
The push-pull teenagerLonging and terror running simultaneously, no resolution. Testing, sabotage before abandonment could arrive.
AdultPresent day. The survival strategy running your love life now.
The integrated self"I can need you AND still be me. Conflict won't destroy us." Expresses needs directly, repairs ruptures, holds self and other.
The present-day monitor"I'm too much. But I can't stop monitoring." Checks in, seeks reassurance, spirals when connection feels uncertain.
The present-day fortress"I'm better alone. Or: I need you — but I'll never say it." Stays surface-level, exits before intimacy peaks.
The present-day seeker"I keep ending up here. And I don't know why." Chooses unavailable partners, recreates familiar chaos.

Each cell is a part, not a pathology. The goal isn't to escape your style — it's to meet the part that built it, understand what it was protecting, and lead from Self.